5 rules of family life you can break

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Some generally accepted "rules" that can and should be broken with a light heart.

It is not necessary to constantly talk with each other, share hobbies and deny yourself everything for the sake of children.

Happy relationship rules are a popular topic for articles and discussions. But if universal advice existed, and stereotypes worked in 100 percent of cases, there would be nothing to talk about. In fact, each family situation is unique, and only you can determine which principles will be relevant for you. Whereas in the pursuit of abstract ideal relationships it is easy to make mistakes.

Here are some generally accepted “rules” that can and should be broken with a light heart.

You need to share each other's hobbies

If you have nothing in common, then when the first passions subside, this can really become a problem. However, do not expect a complete coincidence of hobbies. It's perfectly normal to have different hobbies and interests. And keeping something personal, belonging only to you, is also useful. This avoids dissolution in the partner and promotes healthy autonomy.

In the end, the relationship may end. At the same time, some hobbies and hobbies should remain part of your identity, and not just the tradition of the couple. Otherwise, you will find that you find yourself not only without a partner, but also without personal interests that are not related to his / her person. This is a sad situation that does not allow you to be distracted by your favorite activities, since everything around you reminds of a completed relationship. It's much better if, even without the Iron Man suit, you are still a playboy, millionaire and philanthropist.

It does not come out to be imbued with other people's hobbies - leave both the other and yourself alone. You don't have to be enthusiastic about birdwatching or football just because your loved one is interested. But if your partner is not indifferent to you, you can feel warm feelings due to the fact that he is experiencing inspiration and joy. Even if you are doing what you would not do, even if you were paid extra for it.

The couple must have a common space

In Sparks of Joy, Japanese cleaning expert Mari Kondo advises surrounding yourself with things that bring positive emotions. For singles, this is a fairly simple task. But when the territory has to be shared with someone, other people's things can cause real dislike. For example, if your partner collects souvenirs that seem ugly to you, or clutters the hallway with equipment whose purpose is vague for you.

In this case, Marie Kondo advises to touch the "guilty" objects and imagine what emotions they evoke in your loved one. It helps to develop empathy, and at the same time come to terms with things that annoy you, but are dear or helpful to your partner. And if this does not overcome rejection, you should delimit the space so that everyone has a place where they can do whatever they want.

Let everyone have their own corner for storing personal belongings and their own "office".

You don't have to have a huge house for this. It is enough just to competently zone the room, using suitable storage systems and those parts of the apartment that are usually not taken into account, for example, a loggia.

This applies not only to adults, but also to children. Putting away their toys is much easier if they have their own “home” with a permanent address.

Thoughts and feelings should be shared

Total frankness and complete separation of feelings is a wonderful illusion, which, however, encroaches on personal freedom and can cause quarrels from scratch.

The need to voice all thoughts to a partner and retell the slightest emotional movements may indicate that personal boundaries are blurred. Sometimes this happens to people who have not fully separated from overprotective parents, and then projected the relationship with them onto the partner. Awareness of the dialogue ("Why am I telling this to another, what kind of reaction do I expect?") In this case is reduced. Whereas a harmoniously matured person begins to take personal responsibility for his emotional state and thinks about how significant people will perceive his words.

Let's say life suddenly seemed dull and meaningless, or you had doubts about whether you are a good couple. Having voiced your negative experiences that are not properly formalized, you can breathe a sigh of relief and go to bed. But the mood of the other person will be spoiled, or he will draw far-reaching conclusions. In this case, your mindset may change completely tomorrow.

Talk about potentially serious topics after you've decided what you want to say and why. And for solving your internal problems, a therapist or psychoanalyst is better suited than a partner.

Important: The rule does not work if you have depression. In this case, it is really better to talk.

Problems are best solved in bed

Among our close relatives - chimpanzees - there is a species of bonobos that prefers to resolve all disputes by mating. And even representatives of the same sex do this. As a result, the level of aggression in their communities is very low. However, in humans, things are much more complicated. Despite the fact that a stormy reconciliation in each other's arms is one of the common romantic clichés, where you need to talk, you can't get away with bed.

Even if the conflict spilled over into sex, this does not mean that the problem has been solved.

Remember, reconciliatory sex happens after you've reached an agreement, not instead . In the second case, you are simply sweeping debris under the carpet, and not cleaning.

In addition, the degree of attraction can vary. Our hormonal background changes, illness and stress occur. In the end, the sensation simply diminishes over time. Therefore, do not expect that your passion will always burn so brightly as to overshadow problems. But the longer you ignore them, the more serious the consequences will be when, for some reason, you cannot or do not want to have sex and remain unarmed in front of the accumulated negative.

If everything other than sex is bad in your relationship, it might make sense to stop trying to build a social unit and just enjoy what you do well. Sooner or later, the violent attraction will subside (for example, anthropologist Robin Dunbar believes that on average it lasts a year and a half), and you will be able to peacefully disperse without having time to load each other with mutual accusations and exchange mental trauma.

Children always come first

If you have children, you probably feel guilty at least occasionally for not trying hard enough to be a good parent. This feeling is aggravated by the fact that almost every acquaintance, relative and commentator on the Internet considers it his duty to mention that a child needs to devote all of himself, because children are sacred. And if your friends become parents, you are regularly refused an offer to go to an exhibition or go to nature, because Nastya or Petya are capricious when they stay with their grandmother.

Traditionally, the burden of responsibility puts particular pressure on the mother. If a disorderly father is a negative phenomenon, but generally familiar, then a bad mother is a real stigma. In the book Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood, sociologist Sharon Hayes notes: The modern concept of intensive motherhood calls on a woman to give her children all resources, including money, emotional and time, to the end. At the same time, refusal to make any sacrifice for the sake of the child is condemned.

Nevertheless, when an airplane is depressurized, it is not for nothing that it is advised to put on an oxygen mask first on yourself and only then on the child. If you choke, you will definitely not help the weaker one.

Of course, it can be difficult to keep up with everything and something will inevitably sag, but important parts of life - love , friendship, career, creativity - should not be completely erased due to parenting. Otherwise, you will not be able to set a good example for your children.

Excessive concentration on the child does not bring anything good in the first place for himself. If he constantly asks for his hands, refuses to sleep without his parents, does not know how to occupy himself, throws things around, does not want to learn to serve himself and arranges demonstration performances, perhaps the reason is just excessive custody. Give your son or daughter space and boundaries (not to be confused with coldness and indifference), and everyone in the family will have more freedom to grow.

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By: Jess Lorinter

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