6 things I would like to know before marriage

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Lets talk about unconditional love and other fabulous animals popular in literature.

Today we’ll talk about unconditional love and other fabulous animals popular in literature.

01
There is no unconditional love for a partner

Suddenly, huh? The point is this: your spouse is not your child. A spouse is an adult with whom you decided to spend your life, but everything changes, and there is no guarantee that you will love him every day, month, year together. Or he is you.

All my life I was told:

You won't always like your husband, but you will always love him.

And when times were bad, I thought my marriage was over . What kind of love if we torture each other like that? And isn't marriage about unconditional love?

“No,” snapped our family psychoanalyst. - Who told you that? He is not your son, and you are not his daughter. Nobody has guaranteed you eternal and absolute love. "

When I realized this, it was as if a light bulb came on in my head. What if we can be a happy couple, a happy family, even if sometimes love is not in full swing? In our case, she returned safely, stronger than before.

Total: no one is obliged to love you just like that (and you are not obliged to). You have to work hard to help your partner love you. Even (especially?) Being five, ten, fifteen years of marriage.

02
The first two years after the birth of a child are the most difficult. Don't let this period become a model for the future

Yes, children are joy and happiness for those who want a family, but even if you only dreamed all your life that you would become parents, when the replenishment comes, everything will change. Your lifestyle, schedule, socializing opportunities and old ways of resolving conflicts will go down the drain.

People say that “we need to put relationships first” (and I agree, provided that the welfare and happiness of the child is not sacrificed), but no matter how hard you try, it will be hard. You will lack sleep, hormones will go crazy, your body and even the way you think will change.

Most importantly, do not let this crisis period determine how you will relate to your spouse further.

Don't let resentment and anger build up, talk, exercise patience, remind yourself that you fell in love and chose this person.

It's easier said than done, of course, but this is what smart people advised me: ask for help, accept help. Hire assistants, after all. Do everything to get through this stage with minimal losses and without residual hatred for each other.

03
Sex won't always come first

As much as you love sex, there won't always be a lot of it in a long-term relationship. There will come times when your libido will not match.

It's a shame I don't have ingenious advice to program someone to want more or less sex. But here's what I realized: your desire here and now does not automatically impose obligations on your partner, but the loss of intimacy and cooling of the relationship is a common problem.

If you are someone who wants less, do not have sex through I can’t, but at least try to stimulate your desire . Go to a psychotherapist, fantasize, take pictures of yourself or your spouse, read an erotic novel in the end. I don't know what turns you on, but do it.

And if you are the one who wants more? First, do not turn into a ransomware on this basis. Do not press on blame (it is unlikely that your husband or wife deliberately lowered their desire). These techniques will only further cool the relationship. Try to find intimacy in the other, cultivate warmth in the relationship so that your partner will gradually melt. Relax in bed, kiss, touch each other. Cook for each other, watch movies hugging. These things are also very important.

04
Nice little things every day - a universal recipe

It's not just about flowers, a clean home, and regular sex (although that too). Nice little things - it's to call your partner "beloved" or another affectionate word from which he is always thrilled. Say, "How nice to hear from you." Buy cookies - just because he or she likes them.

Sounds sweet, I know. I grew up in a family where veal tenderness was not accepted, and at first it was hard to say “how glad I am that you are at home”. But, you know, as they say, I got involved. And my husband really likes it.

A marriage filled with moments like this is a happy marriage.

So, if something terribly cute and romantic comes to mind, do it, don't slow yourself down. It's worth it.

05
Never become someone who is not ready to work on a relationship

Here's the eerie truth for you: no matter how hard one of you tries and goes out of his way to fix what's broken in the relationship, no matter how much he goes to psychotherapy, no matter how much he wants to change, an imperfect (are there others?) Marriage will not survive if the second will sit back.

I have seen many friends' marriages fall apart. And they didn't fall apart. The first, almost without exception, were unions, where one puffed up, and the other spat at the ceiling. Maybe they weren't taught about mutual responsibility. Maybe this marriage was just indifferent to them. One way or another, these people gave up.

And here's another unpleasant fact. Sometimes you have to wait and be patient until the "lagging behind" catches up with you. Give them time to orient themselves. Be honest ("it's hard for me", "it seems like you don't care about our relationship"), but, again, do not blame or bully. Sometimes you will invest more, sometimes you will invest differently, as long as you are approximately equal in the results. Honestly, someone wants to look back and understand that it was you who did not pull your part? The boat will not go anywhere if you row only from one side.

06
Never argue who invests more: the one who stays at home with the children, or the one who earns

Whatever you do, no matter how hard it is, your couple is doing a ton of work that you just can't see. Don't even start this argument. There is no prize or winner, this is not a competition, both of you will end up losing. You can (and should) share responsibilities. You can (and should) try to help your wife take care of the children when you have time. You can (you understand) support the husband who is working hard in the office and, when the age of the children allows, to work on her own, or at least find herself any interesting business, so that the whole world does not revolve around diapers and borscht.

In short, appreciate the work of your partner, whatever it may be. Say thank you.

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By: Jess Lorinter

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