The obsessive nature of love is a sign of neurosis, not love, therefore …
It should be noted that the first distinguishing feature that strikes us in the neurotic need for love is its obsessive nature. Whenever a person is driven by intense anxiety, the inevitable result is a loss of immediacy and flexibility.
Simply put, this means that for a neurotic, receiving love is not a luxury, not a source of additional strength or pleasure in the first place, but a vital necessity. This is the same difference as the difference between “I want to be loved and enjoy love” and “it is necessary to be loved, whatever the cost.”
Figuratively speaking, the difference between someone who has the ability to be picky about food and experiences pleasure due to a good appetite, and a starving person who must indiscriminately take any food, since he does not have the opportunity to indulge his whims. In this case, the main mistake of the neurotic is manifested in the fact that he seeks to be loved by all people, while it is quite enough (if you really want to) to achieve the love of only a number of specific persons.
For example, there are women who feel unhappy and full of anxiety if there is no man next to them. They will start a love relationship, soon break it, again feel unhappy and full of anxiety, start another love relationship, and so on.
The fact that this is not a genuine desire for connection with men can be seen from the fact that these connections are conflicting and do not bring satisfaction. Usually these women stop at the first man they come across, for them his very presence is important, and not a love affair. As a rule, they don’t even get physical satisfaction. There is a similar behavior in neurotic men who, in all possible ways, strive to win the favor of many women (the more the better), without dwelling on anyone in particular and feeling awkward and uneasy in the company of men.
At the same time, we must say that the neurotic will pay any price for love, for the most part without realising it. The most common payment for love is the attitude of submission and emotional dependence. Submission can be expressed in the fact that the neurotic will not dare to express disagreement with the views and actions of another person or criticise him with only utter devotion, admiration and obedience.
When people of this type do allow themselves to make critical or disparaging remarks, they feel anxious, even if their remarks are harmless. Submission can reach the point that the neurotic will supplant not only aggressive urges, but also all tendencies towards self-affirmation, will allow himself to be mocked and make any sacrifice, no matter how harmful it may be. One can find similar cognate positions of submission.
In both cases, emotional and neurotic dependence is clearly manifested, which arises as a result of a person’s neurotic need to cling to someone who gives hope of protection. Such addiction can not only cause endless suffering, but even be extremely harmful.
For example, there are relationships in which a person becomes helplessly dependent on another, despite the fact that he is fully aware that this attitude is untenable. He has the feeling that the whole world will be blown apart if he doesn’t get a kind word or a smile. He may be overwhelmed by anxiety while waiting for a phone call or a feeling of abandonment, if the person he needs so badly cannot see him. But he is unable to break this addiction. Usually, the structure of emotional dependence is more complex. In relationships in which one person becomes dependent on another, there is a strong sense of resentment. A person who has fallen into dependence on another, unconsciously resent this fact, but continues to do whatever they want from him, out of fear of losing love. Moreover, such a person may come to the conclusion that obedience was imposed on him by another person, ignoring the idea that he himself provoked such behavior by his excessive anxiety. In any case, he must make a serious effort to get rid of this kind of addiction. Because any attempt leads to an increase in guilt and anxiety. In addition, for a number of neurotics, emotional dependence causes the fear that their lives are crumbling. Therefore, one of the forms of confrontation, such neurotics choose a way to ignore love. Even the person he liked, fearing that in the end this would lead to their dependence on this person.
It is also possible that in the course of a series of love failures, such individuals may develop an antidote. For example, a girl who went through several love stories, each of which ended in her dependence on the next partner, can develop an independent attitude towards all men, seeking only to maintain his power over them, and without experiencing any feelings. In this case, she really turns out to be able to control men, but in his soul (unconsciously) he feels his own insecurity, skillfully hiding it, therefore, if you choose the right key to the soul of such a girl, then it becomes possible to provoke neurotic dependence in her, and therefore make her do whatever you need to do, in response, for example, to the unconscious a sense of relief from inner suffering and peace of mind when you are around. And in this case, it really becomes possible to control another person, because he will be afraid of losing you.
Moreover, this can be used not only in love relationships, but also simply in life, subjugating people by first provoking neurotic dependence in their psyche, and later by skilful relief of anxiety and anxiety.